just come out here and I will go home with you...
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
