I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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