So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
