Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
