Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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