I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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