smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
