she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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