I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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