Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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