I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
