Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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