Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
