I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Is it because I queefed?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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