super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
