I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
