At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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