sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
