during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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