he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
