So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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