your parents love me but you hate me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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