I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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