if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
