Can i not drive my cunt home
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
