we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
