I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
