I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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