i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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