im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
