apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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