I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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