I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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