My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
