Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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