I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize