Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
your like the ambassador to my penis.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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