I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
