he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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