Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize