Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
