I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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