Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
