So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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