Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
