i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize