My liver just broke up with me...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
