If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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