either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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