Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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