my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
