I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
sex in a hospital.. check
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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