just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
