No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
