my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
