Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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