TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
