but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
