Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
