Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
