my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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