I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
