the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
