Her vagina should come with caution tape.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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